So I am up in the middle of the night, breaking a 32-hour water fast with some tasty juice (as I can't for the life of me get my heart rate to go down after waking in the middle of the night to urinate), and I thought I would post something on Xanga. I was under the impression that Xanga was dead as I never get any email updates for it, but apparently I was grossly mistaken. There ARE some people posting! ^_^ So I will post, too.

Hooray for, um, winter! -_- I don't really like winter. I would rather have a range of temperatures not exceeding [in either direction!] 50-70 degrees F. See, winter should be 50, and summer should be 70! Fall and spring could be 60. But no such luck. Winter in Colorado has lately ranged from -10 to 40, and we are hoping to break 40 this week (maybe!) after several very chilly weeks. Sigh.

I don't like to be cold because it just doesn't feel nice. Maybe it is because my core body temperature is usually around 97 (instead of 98.9 like silly 'average' people; bah!), or maybe it is because my heart is two sizes too small. Either way, I definately dislike the Whos down in Whoville winter.

I am so, so tired. Work is very, VERY busy, and it is sad because after I am at work for 8 to 12 hours, if it is muy busy, I am so drained I feel unable to manage my home, clean it, be financially responsible (who knows what I may buy on a trip to the grocery store; three kinds of hair dye I will never use? sure!), take care of my husband, or even take care of myself. I feel so lame for not knowing what kind of work I want to do or am even capable of (or should be doing in the first place). Am I missing something? Did I make some kind of mistake when I was 15 that permanentaly ruined my future? Should I actually be on the other side of the world, baking cakes for preteens that live in the jungle with their scarlet macaws and blowguns?

I don't think so, but I am not 100% sure. All I know is I am plugging away, doing my best to support my family. Someday I may have it more figured out (maybe tomorrow, when I am not half asleep and sick to my stomach, although I may still be half asleep tomorrow, and I can't guarantee the stomach, now that I think about it). Ask me later.

Gah, and I am still waffling about kids; we can't have kids where we live b/c it is just too small, and adoption/IVF/anything-I-can-think-of are all extremely expensive. So we made a plan, right? We would sell our house and Peter's parents would sell their house, and we would buy a house together out in the country and have some goats and some kids (human AND goaty) and some chickens and some dogs and some cats. We would grow tasty foods and generally have a bang up time. We put our houses on the market last year to get it started (as we were planning to start the adoption process when Peter turned 25 in July this year) aaaaand... no serious bites for anyone yet. IF nobody sells forever, God is definately slamming a big door in our face. But even if we did sell and get our house in the country, how will we go about having children? Here are the looming problems for every option I can think of -1 adoption: costs about $30,000, and kids will always resent us because we are not their real parents, and we will not get to bond with them through pregnancy and breastfeeding, which seems very important. -2 IVF: would probably cost about $20,000 to attempt, would require lots of not-so-fun "inject-yourself!" drugs that mess with you, and seems like a freaking TON of money to spend on ourselves. -3 Adopt an embryo!: costs about $20,000 again, and kids will still resent you for not being their real parents, AND the genetics might be shifty b/c only people with poor fertility (caused by we-don't-really-want-to-know possible other health problems) have extra embryos lying around. -4 sperm donor: kids will resent you for having a biological father who is not involved in their lives (or IS involved, which is just creepy). -5 steal a baby and lie to it for your whole life: other than the kidnapping charges, seems like the best plan! ;) -6 become miraculously pregnant by a magnificent physical healing: I know God could do it if He was willing, but so far, He is not willing.

Muy depressing. So all of this internal struggle goes on while I am stressed out at work and spiraling slowly out of control (like a row boat in a high speed chase.. maybe. I forgot that I don't know how to row! That must be why I am spinning in circles). Pathetic.

I think I am going to play WoW now. WoW will make me happy... maybe. It will at least drown out the noise of my own thoughts. NOW I remember why I don't post on Xanga! Too much thinking.

Everyone, have a good day ^_^

Love,
~*H

Managing Depression Life

I have a terrible feeling inside, and it doesn't come from reality; no one can see what makes me ache with sadness, and no one understands that I have no control over it. I feel like I am choking, trying to vomit up or spit out the sharp disgust that sits in my belly. I can't stop weeping. I can't go out, but I can't stay home and sleep. Nothing gives me joy or pleasure or comfort, and I have no energy. I feel a strong pressure on my chest, keeping me from taking a deep, soothing breath. I don't feel safe anywhere, and I can't respond to any human interaction because I can't process humor or inflection. The words of my loved ones hurt me. I can tell that my brain is not functioning properly, that I am unable to process even small pieces of information rationally; I have no idea how to make it stop. I hate myself; I am worthless and a waste of God's time. I have no hope for the future, and I feel very alone.

[Phew] that was hard to write. That is how I felt yesterday. I used to suffer from moderate depression, where most days felt like that, and I was perpetually miserable. I climbed out of that hole awhile ago, but every once and awhile my brain freaks out and throws me back in. It is an awful place, because you feel so paranoid and anxious; what makes it worse (or better, I suppose) is that you are self aware; you know that you aren't being rational, but you can't do anything about it. I only leared to recognize the symptoms when I went through counciling, but I haven't quite taught myself the proper response to the crushing hopelessness. I wish I could stay home from work or church or wherever, but life goes on whether I am happy or sad, and I have to deal with it. I feel better when I run, because running is a way to kind of hurt myself and snap myself back to reality, like someone poking me awake. Of course, when I feel really down, I don't have the energy to run. I thought about taking anti-depressants, but the process of finding the right one is so long and complicated (and dangerous), and I don't want to be addicted to something that I may not need in the future. The biggest things I do to manage this without medication are running, getting good sleep, and eating well; that is about all I can do since this is pretty much a brain chemistry problem for me.

Anyways, I just had an urge to write that down and get it out of my system; I have such a need to be heard and understood by others, it is rather pathetic ;) In other news, I am not at the lab anymore; I was actively hunted down and offered a great opportunity with another company, so I took it. I am not doing chemistry; I do mostly deskwork, but I am enjoying it so far. Peter and I hope to buy some land here pretty soon (in TOWN, not 45 minutes away); hopefully it will all fall into place and we will still have somewhere to live in the end! -_- Also, I am in a constant state of "waffle" (waffling, you know? it is funny..) about having kids someday; sometimes I want 10, other times I want 0; sometimes I think adoption would be awesome, other times I would rather spend the gargantuan amount of money it would take to have biologically children (adopted children might hate me more that biological ones.. maybe?); I can't make up my mind. AND I am trying to knit Christmas presents for my family this year; scary! I am working on an intarsia hat (colorwork), and it is very, um, fun. I guess. If only I could sit at home all day and knit ^_^ THAT would be the life. O, and I am running in the mornings AND trying to bike to work 3 days a week. Madness I tell you. Someone give me a million dollars and rescue me from the madness ;)

What a weird post. Hope you all have an amazingly peaceful week.

Love
~*H

Today, I got to stay home from the lab b/c shockingly high winds damaged the facility, and the hazmat and fire people haven't deemed it safe to be in yet. Yay ^_^ Not that I don't love work, of course. It is just nice to have a day off ^_^. So I uploaded video of my kitty and pics of knitting stuff. If you look on the top bar, there are links for videos and pics. Be prepared to be amazed and horrified at my shocking antics ;) Hooray!

~*H

PS - it is true I have disabled comments, but if you really wanted to tell me something, you could message me! ^_^

Ahhhh, taste that fresh, new job! >.< It is going well, my friends. Work makes me feel sad in the morning before I go, but after I am there, it isn't so bad. It is just that relinquishing of control over my life and what I do that is hard to give up. But it keeps me from sitting at home eating :) And work also challenges me socially, so that is good. And horribly depressing :p O well. Peter is doing well with his new work; he really likes it! ^.^ And... um... what else.... I found a blog I subscribed to of a flute player, so that is nifty. I thought about playing flute in the worship band at church, but I don't really want to right now >.< oops! But it would be so cool to play... for a reason :) Like, in a celtic band or something ^_^

O, do you ever feel oppressed by SOMETHING? Like, not that God is punishing you or that you are a bad person, but that SOMETHING is keeping you from the things you want to do? That is how I feel :p It doesn't seem fair to me that I HAVE to work to support my family, or that we can't buy a house right now, or that we can't get a dog, or that we can't have children (mostly forever?), or that we can't have a farm, or that I can't stay at home with my nonexistent children instead of going to work. I don't expect life to be fair necessarily, but it would feel good to succeed (or feel happy about what I am doing?) just once or twice in my life (before I am too old to enjoy it -.-). Dang it!

O, and I am in a bookclub, and just finished "The Woman in White" by Wilkie Collins. Amazing! Superb! Brilliant! That is all I can say.

And I haven't finished my knitting projects, but I will. I promise!

Love,
~*H